I was thinking about this poem recently, which I posted on my blog a few months after I experienced my loss. I bolded the way I feel right now.
"An Ugly Pair of Shoes"
I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in the world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think of how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of the shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
The reason I was thinking of this poem actually had something to do with a physical pair of shoes. A pair of shoes I bought to wear on Easter Sunday, just two short Sundays after my loss had been confirmed. A pair of shoes I have rarely worn. They are ugly to me. They hurt my feet when I wear them. And they hurt my heart. I threw them away. They had lots of wear left in them but I realized I just didn't want those shoes hanging out in my closet any longer.
Today, my baby I lost would have been 3 years old. It's a bittersweet day for me. Knowing my baby is with the Lord is very sweet to me. But not having my baby here with me is very bitter. Till heaven, sweet little one. Mommy loves you. XO