Friday, April 29, 2011

~My Heart was Broken~

It was 1 am, and yet again I couldn't sleep. I crawled out of bed and crept into the dark living room to sit on the couch. Tears coursed down my face. My heart was broken.

I plastered a smile on my face and sat in my seat at church. If I could just get through the service and get to the car, I thought I could keep the tears at bay. "Please, don't let anyone ask me any questions", was my prayer each Sunday. My heart was broken.

Waiting. Longing. Tests. Waiting. Longing, but no real answers. Waiting. Longing. More testing. More waiting. Surgery. Drugs. Waiting. Longing. My heart was broken.

Questions--always questions to answer. Family. Friends. Acquaintances. Strangers. Was there no question off limits, no question too rude to ask? I didn't want to face any more questions. My heart was broken.

Year after year, each broken into twelve months. Twelve individual answers of "no". Over and over. Over and over. My heart was broken.

My heart was broken...but God held me close. He "brought me up also out of an horrible pit" (Psalm 40:2). Not just through a child. A child was my heart's desire, and I would like to say that I was completely OK with being a family of two for the rest of my life, before I got pregnant with my daughter, but I wasn't. However, I was moving in that direction. I knew that I couldn't live the rest of my life in misery. And I did live in complete misery for quite some time. Those months of misery were an "ugly" time period in my life. I'm not proud of them. Infertility did change me in many ways but I hope that I've allowed it to change me for the better.

My journey to motherhood is long and paved with tears. Many are still in the midst of the tears. This week is Infertility Awareness Week. Did you know that 1 in 8 couples will suffer infertility? Do you know someone who is struggling? Reach out to them with kindness. You may not understand exactly, but you can give a hug. You can't promise a certain outcome, but you can pray to One Who knows the outcome.

And if you are going through infertility yourself, I want to encourage you, from the bottom of my heart: please do not turn your back on God. He loves you. He cares for you. Don't tell yourself lies about God.

Here are some helpful links, that I would love to encourage you to visit:
Hannah's Hope--this book is helpful for those going through infertility and also for someone who has a loved one walking this road. Each chapter ends with specific words for "Burden Bearers".
Stepping Stones--a ministry of Bethany Christian Services. They have a newsletter that you can sign up for as well as helpful articles on their site.
Don't Waste your Inferitilty--a helpful blog article. I can't vouch for the rest of the blog, but this one article was extremely helpful to me.


Mrs C said...

Beautiful Tammy. Thank you xx

Shannen said...

Wonderfully written and heartfelt. Thank you, my friend, for putting so gracefully into words what I have felt so much.

Esther said...

Thank you for sharing your heart. Beautifully written. ♥

elm2003 said...

Thank you Tammy! That is beautifully written!

Kristi B. said...

This is beautiful, Tammy!

Melinda Lillis said...

Found you and your blog on HP! Beautifully written, thank you for sharing!

XUE said...

Your post brought back memories of similiar experiences & painful, emotional days. I am now a very contented mother of two. Warm wishes from Dubai.

Charity said...

Thank you for sharing your heart! You are an encouragement!!

barrenbutblessed said...

Thanks as always for sharing your heart Tammy. This Sunday I found those tears welling up as a man shared that his daughter had awoken him early with " I Love you Daddy" I said while trying to hold back the tears, Just remember those of us who long to hear those sweet words " I love you mommy" when you have those moments of annoyance. Then today the Lord convicted me once again with this Verse "Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee." Hebrews 13:5. OH gracious to learn to be content with such as I have and not covet. some day I'll get to that point by the Grace of God